A Second Thought

Forgot to mention the fact that i fucked up my car by skidding the garage door. That was an idiotic move. But then again, being materialistic is no longer at the top of my list. I held true to my statement of "When I get a car, I won't want anything else."- but involuntarily. Yeah sure most people believe they will be satisfied upon getting what will satisfy their instant needs or wants but instead, they end up wanting more and more. Will people never be satisfied? No, they never will be. Just as people will never fully accept the fact that they aren't perfect. And moresoever, people will always be selfish. I know I'm sounding like a misanthrope again. But I am just a quiet observer, blabbing on about things that are probably irrelevant to the people reading this.

I noticed that I am becoming numb. I no longer feel things penetrate through and within me as much as i did when i was younger. Perhaps that is why I am so nostalgic. I miss feeling the impact of euphoria, sadness, pain from falling and scraping my knee, crying for no reason, feeling want and love for inanimate objects and toys. But perhaps it is the innocence and freedom of children that I envy the most. "Not yet abused by time." True, never did I worry obsessively over frivilous things such as short-lived relationships (Terence, this does not refer to you, love.), school, friends, people, etc. I miss the innocence of pure joy. Simply enjoying myself over something as plain as a visit from my cousin. I remember the days we used to just pretend we were adventurers and just cause all sorts of mischief. And it's true, "Freedom is not free." How I used to love doing whatever pleased me so and not have to worry about getting into trouble. I was spoiled rotten, but i didn't care. I'm spoiled now and am still ungrateful for the things bestowed upon me. Everyone is.

Disappointment. What mental chords does that word cause to connect? Do you recall a time you've been disappointed by someone? Most likely. But have you thought of a time where you have disappointed someone else? Most likely not. I believe why I am so critical of the people around me is because I often find myself disappointed. I have high expectations of people yet I never let on. Never, because people will probably feel like i am condescending, which I am most definitely not. I have a hard time seeing the good things in people. Terence, on the other hand, has been blessed this beautiful gift. But I, I am diseased with my curse. I can see people may be good, and it brings me great relief and gladness to know there are still some genuinely good people out there. But i disillusion myself with this when in reality there is only a handful of aforesaid people. I have, from a very young age, experienced the misdirected hate and abuse from others. Perhaps that contributes to my criticism of the human race. But nonetheless, all of which i have experienced is who I am. I cannot shun myself from people. I thrive not only off of my own existance but the existance of others. I do believe the artist requires human beings for inspiration- for whatever reasons.